woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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