I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I will be naked everywhere
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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