do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
