I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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