i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
then he tried to convert me to islam
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
