Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
She's the barista slut.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
