I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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