Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
