I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
