I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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