I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
