yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
we made out on top of his cat.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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