if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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