At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
