I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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