Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
