I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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