my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
