Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
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