So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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