in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
