I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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