yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
