The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
