If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
