Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
