you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
