Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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