everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
