Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
