I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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