so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
