Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
