i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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