At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
