evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
BRING THE BAGELS
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
