I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
