party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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