I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
