it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
