just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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