My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
