Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
