bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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