I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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