I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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