He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
