My liver just broke up with me...
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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