i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
