I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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