everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just gargled with NyQuil
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
