she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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